Thursday, August 27, 2015

Scent of a Cat

Has he elegance? Has he fragrance?

Not remotely. He isn`t Mary Archer, he`s a raggy-arsed nineteen-year-old (at least 8000 in cat) who`s begun to smell like the corpses of all the tiny critters he`s despatched over the years.


He always used to groom fastidiously and constantly; he`s still bendy and suffers no arthritic achings...  But these days he`ll have an occasional swipe of face and front paws, then go for a nice lie down.  

Naturally (isn`t it?) he`s always exuded the fumes of hell when he`s breathed on you (from your knee or from the end of the garden); now he reeketh from every pore. Most Unnaturally.

We are what we eat, it is said, and as he plunges further into decrepitude, what he eats becomes ever more unsettling.

Not for Spartapus (guess George`s favourite film) the bowl of Kitty-splatt and those treats with the meeelting centre. He`ll have Tinned Tuna in Sunflower-oil-not-Brine… maybe a couple of thin slices of Sandwich Beef or some spicy Polish Sausage

After one minute at these delicacies, he stops shovelling and starts Yowling.  He`s not hungry - he`s The Devil.  

"Look in your bowls, evil cat" (we cry) – "you`ve got eight kinds of flesh and some of my Greek yoghurt – we have nothing else to give you!"

He stares unblinking as we sit down to tea and his message is clear: OK - I`ll have what you`re having

So we sacrifice chunks of our chicken and he graciously nibbles at them. Briefly.

I pander to his every whim because I feel his pain of downsizing to a tiny garden, and then of losing his twin sister last year. (Though Honestly - they were hardly speaking towards the end…). 

Anyway, if treating the eating is hopeless, can we at least cure his sulphurous aroma that is now seeping from the very walls!

The pet-shop man suggested a Dry Shampoo for wet-averse cats.  I was as thrilled as when they invented Shake n` Vac – would this work as well on the cat as it did back then on my T-shirts?
Acquainted with his claws, George and I plunged positively into the fray wearing ski-gear and protective head-buckets.  Back-comb his fur, the nice man at the pet-shop had said, and rub the powder in with your fingertips. 

I gingerly waved the bottle of powder under Spartapus`s nose, expecting retaliation.  Instead he seemed to inhale, taking a moment to savour it with a look of Hmm, Not Bad...

So we showered him liberally and drily, rubbed it all over and mopped it off with a warm damp cloth.  And he looked FAB.

Had he Fragrance?

Not really.  But we`ve managed three more successful applications and we`re optimistic about the future if we stick to his treatment. 

Silly as it sounds, though, we are slightly concerned now about some kind of contagion...

The other night we popped into The Two Heads and were greeted with, "There you are - a pint and a Pinot Grigio, and - Bloody Hell! - what have you two been eating?"


JW10 said...

YAAASSS. Your new post was delivered straight into my inbox, Dolores, though as usual it takes me ages to get round to reading my E's. I don't have a mobile phone. Unbelievable but true.

Cracking story and funny pics. Very informative as I have no pets. I had heard rumours that cats were in charge of humans now I know it's a fact. And...begad, what's that smell?

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hurraaaaay! Thank you JW, I`m Thrilled the FollowByEmail Worked and Thrilled to get your kind comments.

Unbelievably! I don`t have a mobile either!! Well I do, but it`s always switched off except in case of Emergency. Which I never have.

I think a parrot might be an interesting pet. We saw one on the bus recently who flapped from seat rail to wooden rod to owner`s shoulder as necessary and uttered nerry a sqwark. (Not sure how the seat was after his visit...)

Also, our pet-shop man has a delightful chattery one, but says they last a long while - you have to make plans for them in your Will!

And of course, the old Marmots are cuddly...

JW10 said...

Coyotes are cuddly as well, Dolores.

My son's fiancé has a rabbit who is as good as gold. He even plays football with me!

A little Marlon Brando anecdote for you. Marlon once had a racoon as a pet but it got that wild he had to get rid of it. This kind of tarnishes Brando's bad boy reputation.

Dolores Doolittle said...

A racoon! Do we have those in England/Scotland our Old Countries?

Rabbits - now you`re talking! Elliott Bun used to sleep companiably across our bedroom doorway, popping downstairs as nec to his litter tray and wandering round house & garden during the day. (The roses were denuded to Elliott-on-tiptoe height).

JW10 said...

There's timberwolves and mountain lions in our little parish so I'm sure there will be the odd racoon or two, Dolores.

Elliot Bun! What a smashing name. The rabbit in our family answers to Huggles. I call him the Hugster. He chases me all round the room when I bring the football out.

P.S finished reading Turn of the Screw. Atmospheric and chilling. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Dolores Doolittle said...

The Hugster - conjures up so many strange images. Bet he`s fiendish nippy with the football, and just Fiendish on the tackles - being bitten by Daphne Bun was like being nail-gunned.

Glad about Turn of the Screw.

JW10 said...

Daphne Bun! What are you like, Dolores?

Dolores Doolittle said...

Yes we`re Mad, JW, we`re all just Mad! (what film did that come from... Somebody`s Wedding...)?

JW10 said...

Yes we're mad, Dolores, but mad in the nicest possible way.

There was a film in the 70s about a TV station called Network. The Peter Finch character was an angry newscaster who kept saying "We're as mad as hell, and we're not going to take this anymore."
Not sure if that's the one you're thinking of.

Dolores Doolittle said...

I remember that JW, but I was thinking about an Aussie film called Muriel`s Wedding, I think. There was a teenage character unhappy in her skin but desperate to be part of the "Cool Crowd", who spent Their time trying to convince themselves how wild and wonderful they were - "We`re just Maaaad!"

Quite an agonising film, in parts

Expat said...

Remember me? I'm the hopelessly neglectful but well-meaning expat who used to pop up regularly until she just got overwhelmed with work and such. And I'm grovelling for forgiveness once again. We are well, though we have had divorce in the family to adjust to (younger son) and sundry smaller stuff to handle. On Wednesday, we set sail (or rather, flight) for the UK to visit family for two weeks. Kind of a last hurrah in terms of overseas travel, I think since John's mobility is limited. I wish we could make it further north and south, but that's not on the cards. Still, I will be on the same land mass and thinking of you and JW.

Any news of CI?

Lots of love from me. XX

Dolores Doolittle said...

Expat!! What an Enormous Joy to hear from you, and to know that any second you will be just round the corner! Comparatively.

Sadly no news of CI - perhaps I`ll try him behind-the-scenes. Ceri frequently reviews TV for the Telegraph, and expect her baby`s practically grown up now - seems ages since you told us about that...

Have you noticed, Expat, that JW is now posting every three minutes, you person of palpitating dynamism, JW - Look - there`s another one!

Have wondrous times in The Old Country, Expat and keep in touch!
love & kisses, xx

JW10 said...

Hello Expat, hope you're enjoying your time in the old world and sorry to hear of the divorce in the family. Hope it wasn't messy.
A great big bear hug from me to you and yours.

DD, speak for your fecund self. You've been on a bit of a roll, blog-wise, yourself. Keep them coming, though, remember I'm on e-mail alert.

Really nice to read both your comments. Wonderful, wonderful ladies.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Yes, JW, Fecund is what I am, in an aspiring sort of way. Have missed my 2-week deadline, but am I downhearted? You`re a splendid lesson to us all - with encouragement to boot! (I loooooove youuuu)