Yesterday I knocked a full coffee-pot over and it emptied its contents all over the cat. (The cat`s fault).
At work, I once sliced into my finger with a large pair of scissors. The First Aiders just could not stop it bleeding and I lost Buckets of Blood. In fact it could have been terminal had someone not realised my trendy Biba T-shirt was tightly elasticated at the wrist.
They cut my T-shirt. Now whose fault was that?
Well it could come under "industrial mishap", according to quite a lot of adverts around at the moment. Here is but one...
Do you want to Make A Claim?
You Need
Plasters R Us
We are a smart-and-sympathetic-looking legal team based just around the corner and we specialise in Everything. Bring your injury compensation claim to us immediately and we`ll FEEL your PAIN – you must have seen our TV advert with the rueful trip-up down those steps... Remember -
No Win, No Fee and Your Plaster Back!
Sounds fair. Thinking about it, I`ve had numerous accidents that could well have been not-my-fault. I mean, searing-hot irons, evil garden implements, just about everything in your kitchen – all are surely fraught with peril. Your home is a Deathtrap.
One Christmas I cracked a thighbone just moving back to admire our newly-decorated Nordman Fir! Anyone could have forgotten the two steps in our living room and really, I don`t think they should make tiles so hard. Still have the scar, you know…
George is constantly telling me not to climb on things, so maybe I should have expected to fall off the kitchen table when I used it to raise me to the curtain rail. Curtains re-hung, I stepped from table to halfway-down chair, only to find it had moved away...
That was most unpleasant - Do you find when falling from a great height that everything slows down? You have aeons to contemplate the excruciating pain of the landing with its probable Life-Changing Injuries. And worse on this occasion - No-one Heard me Scream.
Finally I got bored lying on the kitchen floor and had to haul myself tentatively up. It was hours before anyone even noticed me dragging my leg round and whimpering. (Outwardly it`s good to flaunt one`s pain, never forgetting how lucky one has been with its unseriousness).
As for George... well, he boldly doesn`t like to flaunt his pain so I tend to ignore it. One time, though, he almost poked his eye out whilst unpacking a metal-rod-backed chair. It was not very like this picturehere, except for those Dangerous Bobbles on top.
His specs no doubt softened the blow and at the hospital they cleverly retrieved all the bits of glass and rebuilt him. He was calm and brave, and they locked me out of the way in a side room - that wasn`t going to stop me hyper-ventilating, was it?
Of course horrid things happen outside the confines of home... who Hasn`t had a car accident? I remember coming home one afternoon, turning into the drive as usual and crunching Right Into the concrete gatepost. This was possibly my fault as I was also waving Hello at our neighbours. Although they`d waved first... How far back can one claim, I wonder (we kept the dent).
It`s impossible to blame all your accidents on somebody else. So remember - be careful out there, take notes and above all, Hang onto the Evidence
8 comments:
Brilliant blog, Dolores. Pure slapstick at its best. While I was reading through the misadventures I could hear the whistling tune of Laurel and Hardy in the background. Thanks for the laughs.
One of my many falls happened in the yard at my work. I slipped and, as you said, hit the deck in slow motion. The culprit for my descent was a banana peel. I thought that only occurred in cartoons.
Thank you kind JW! Remarkably, in a bowler hat George looks just like Stan Laurel. (It`s what caught my eye in the first place). Do hope you weren`t hideously injured by your banana peel, and now that I know you have Many Falls I shall Worry.
I broke a front tooth when I was nine tearing up the lawn and tripping over the patio - what`s your worst accident?!
The many falls are while under the influence of alcoholic substances, Dolores, all part of the fun.
I haven't had any serious falls. Possibly the worst sober fall I've had was in the changing rooms of the local sports centre. I was at one end of a bench and there was another bloke at the other end. We were bookends, you could say. Anyway, I didn't know he moved away just as I bent over the side to pick up my shoes.
One of the basic laws of physics then took over.
All the weight was now at my side and the other end of the bench lifted up as I leaned over. I lost my balance and ended up face first on the floor. Men's changing rooms can be brutal and I got no sympathy from the other players. Wild guffaws all round.
A Glorious image, JW! (Except for the accident, of course).
Jolly glad you weren`t hideously scarred and no doubt those unsympathetic specimens looking on got their own mashings sometime. Have dallied with rugby & football players in days of yore, and bloody wounds were constant. (and nothing to do with me).
I hope the image doesn't make you think I am top heavy, Dolores. The bench was one of those rickety, lightweight ones that topple quite easily. My sporty life keeps me toned or as they call it nowadays- ripped.
(He's a fibber. All he does is eat donuts- sub-editor comment)
Did you ever have any accidents or injuries during your hockey days? Those stick-wielding females could become medieval with those weapons. Gimme netball any day. Much safer.
Sporting injuries - me? I`m far too Ripped for that (and I can/could run away fast).
Netball was in fact my Favourite - one can grab hold of the ball instead if trying to manoeuvre it with the tiny end of a stick longer than One is. And I could jump Dazzlingly high to catch it.
Am currently dithering between Zumba and Salsa to keep me in Perfect Shape (have sacked my sub-ed)- pondering upon these things tends to take me a while...
Go for the Zumba, Dolores. MrsW swears by it. It is funny watching wifey and sister re-enacting some moves from their Zummy classes as they are still in a hyper hysterical way. The legs and arms are all over the place. It's a madcap dance version of Twister and not exactly Pan's People.
Talking of whom- seen Legs and Co on an old epsidoe of Top of the Pops recently. They were the dancers that replaced Pan's People on the show. Both groups ultra professional. No slip ups or wardrobe malfunctions. Darn.
"... legs and arms are all over the place." Well I shan`t be able to wear my tutu then. A friend of mine who indulges says one IS ALLOWED to stop if you feel a Turn coming on.
Yes, I remember Everyone who danced on Top of the Pops, including a really young & shy-looking George Best in the audience. What a delight
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