Saturday, July 10, 2010

Is this the way to Amarillo...?

… again?

Driving is of course fraught with danger and divorce, particularly when heading Beyond Familiar Territory.

I was definitely not made for driving – I hate it, and never have any idea where I am. On the other hand George, whose ridiculous eyes cannot sensibly be inflicted on a steering wheel, automatically commits a journey to memory after a single trip. Hence George navigates our outings and I hyperventilate them.

As for SatNav, what’s the point, I’ve always thought. I already have to concentrate Really Hard on the road - how could I watch a second version on screen at the same time? George, however, has long dreamed of satnav, foreseeing the end of all those hysterical Completely-bloody-lost-again Exchanges we… exchange.

And Loh! Conveniently timed for an imminent far-flung birthday party, our junk mail this week klaxoned a portable satnav on very special offer. We found our way to it Hotfoot. It sounded perfect – George would consult the screen held on his lap, and I would listen to the soothing yet no-nonsense Voice of Brian. George merrily set up the Essential Stuff.

Initial test-drive was disappointing – thirty kilometres into the wilderness, Brian shut completely up. This turned out to be a faulty fuse in the car cigarette-lighter-charger, but we had to ricochet around thirty or forty other and very different kilometres before we made it home and found out. After all, we’d both been too mesmerised by satnav to take any notice of the actual roads...

Our second satnav trial was much more fun – George fascinated by the detail onscreen, and I building up an easy reapport with Brian. I picture a sort of Peter Donaldson (R4 newsreader), as he gently tells me





‘In 250 metres, turn lef... D475.’
and reminds me as we approach, ‘Turn left... D475.’ ‘Turn LEFT!’

Then, as we sail past the turn he says (without a word of reproach), ‘In 100metres, Turn left... D476.’ He Knows Where We Are, and is determined to persuade us into a leftly direction. If we’ve bizarrely ignored his instructions for the back road, he knows exactly how much leeway to allow before, ‘Perform U-Turn... whenever possible.’

And if you ignore that, you can practically hear him flipping pages growling, ‘Where the bloody hell are they going?’

Every so often, there’s a twinkly burst of strings to Warn us. We’re not sure what of – we did think speed limit entry, exit, breach… Our own readings don’t always agree, but who are we to question the Mighty Brian?

Of course, Wikipedia is but one source of worrying tale:

Misdirection
A number of road accidents in the UK have been attributed to misdirection by satellite navigation systems. On May 11, 2007, a driver followed satellite navigation instructions in the dark and her car was hit by a train on a rail crossing that was not shown on the system. In Exton, Hampshire,the County Council erected a sign warning drivers to ignore their "sat nav" system and to take another route, because the street was too narrow for vehicular traffic and property damage resulted from vehicles getting stuck.[
On March 25, 2009, a man drove down a steep mountain path and almost off of a cliff after he was allegedly directed by his portable GPS system. He was finally stopped by a wire fence. “


Well Pchaw! That kind of thing happens to us all the time…

For after just one (correctly-charged) outing, I have overcome my misgivings about this robot machine. I think Brian will be the end to much disagreement on George's part, and the perfect companion if I want to run away and join the circus.

Now – how did George actually plug it in?

19 comments:

Canary Islander said...

Hugely funny blog, Dolores!

I used to have a colleague with the initials GPS, and there was many a time when we were discussing futures when he would say "Well, if you really want to go that way..."

It was the way in which he said it that usually sent me off on a completely different route...

Expat said...

You are not alone, Dolores. I am directionally challenged also. To add to my confusion, one is expected here to know one's North from one's South..."take I-95 North for 12.7 miles."

I want a GPS that talks to me in real language....turn left at the Crown and Anchor, go about a mile give or take and then turn right just after you pass All Saint's Church (opposite the Chinese takeaway).

John is annoyingly adept at navigating in new areas, however. And equally annoying about NOT asking for directions (real men don't) on the rare occasions he gets us in a pickle.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hilarious, CI (whatever 'discussing futures' might entail)...

Great you've relaunched on Canary Islander, too

Dolores Doolittle said...

Expat, what a brilliant option that would be - the 'Just-like-asking-a-friend!' option.

Pointless for Real Men as you say - asking directions for Them is like stopping a stranger in the street then realising they forgot to put their trousers on

Jon said...

Not for me the perils of computer generated direction finding. I depend upon .... wife-nav.

Heaven help me if I omit to follow those instructions to the letter.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Wow, Jon! So... who asks for directions in your house then?

Canary Islander said...

I've got a brilliant sense of direction!

Every time I get into the car with Kathy, I always sense a lot of direction coming on...

:-)

Dolores Doolittle said...

And I hope you Pay Very Close Attention, CI!

Jon said...

I have no fear of asking directions. I sometimes also read instructions. I feel that I am in touch with my feminine side.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Jon, you are a beacon to us all! I think I could find a Masculine Side quite handy... (Though not the side with nasal hair)

Canary Islander said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Canary Islander said...

I was with a girl in a Fiat
And asked, "Where, oh where, is my key at?"
When I started to seek
She let out a shriek:
"That's NOT where it's likely to be at!"


:-)

Dolores Doolittle said...

Love it, CI!

As I've just noted on your Midsummer Night's Madness, I wish there were sound effects on blogland - for reactions to posts and also, for author's readings...

Canary Islander said...

Hmmm, my voice sounds like its been on a long sea voyage, and came back as an acronym (as in Port Out, Starboard Home).

What's yours like? :-)

Dolores Doolittle said...

Excellent CI!
Well all I can say is, Many Are the Noodles In my Canneloni.
(Sorry... I think it's fairly accurate, though).

JW10 said...

Hello Dolores,

Super Blog. It would be great to choose your favourite voice for Sat-Nav. I'd go for Jessica Rabbit. Swoon!

As for the what way now conundrum, I never ask for directions as once you're lost, you can't get any loster, can you? There can't be degrees of lostness.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hi JW - Splendid to see you back! And how was it in the exotic climes of Spain? (Shall Off forthwith to JW Blog to find out)...
Now - shall I go direct from This page, or take the back route via Dashboard?

And I suspect there Are degrees of Lostness, comparable to degrees of Over-Panic Heart Attack and measured in comfort-shovellling of TicTacs (I've experienced almost all)

davidjanehoskyns2@libertysurf.fr said...

Loved it!

Followed my daughter from her house to the coast last weekend, both with our satnavs on. She apologised on the way as her's seemed to love the windy country lanes. So, mine's not the only one to send you exploring afterall. When in Paris, we never approach the hotel by the same way, either.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hello davidjanehoskyns2!
and thank you greatly for your comment.

What an interesting experiment with the two satnavs - did you see much of each other during the journey? (or Anything of each other)...

I can imagine your paths crossing haphazardly with passengers' faces pressed to the window shouting for Heeeelp, (or Beaming gloatily).

Must try it