The Cut and Thrust of the Garden

"What`s that blasted noise Angela? I`m trying to read the paper!"

"I think someone`s mowing again, Denis."

"And one of those petrol-driven jobbies, I`ll wager – completely thoughtless, some people!"

Sound familiar? If You suffer from Noisy Gardeners, you`re not alone. Earlier this month residents of a north London suburb found themselves driven to the End of their Tethers by this – the constant, pitiless Tumult of their neighbours` gardening...

 Sadly, as with so much anti-social behaviour, it seems to be a growing problem. Particularly at weekends, when everyone else is trying so hard to Relax.

Reduced to desperate measures, these residents have been forced to Form a Committee. Because it`s not only lawnmowers, but also hedge-trimmers, chain saws... and those appalling leaf-blowers - surely the worst! 

(Actually, what do they do, apart from blow all your leaves next door)?

These machines are often gigantic and ridiculously Noisy not to say Dangerous in the wrong hands! 

Why can`t everyone, is the cry, go back to using those lovely old-fashioned manual gardening tools - So much more satisfying; so much more Considerate.

The longer this menace goes on, of course, the more likely is the possibility of retaliation.  There has already been talk of Red and Yellow Cards for serial culprits - what if that`s Just Not Enough? 

There Will be Squabbles...

YET are we not all guilty in our own way?  Is it possible my own whistling-a-happy-tune out there could irritate...?!  My muttering, swearing, snarling, startling yelps when pottering `twixt our shrubs - might someone hear all that?

So let`s all make an effort; let`s keep jolly quiet in our gardens...

And then we can begin to think about Noisy Neighbours Indoors...  Did I mention George has bought me a bongo drum? 

We can Rebuild...

We meet beautifully synchronised at the pub. "Well," says Molly, coming to a gentle halt and checking her wrist appliance, "I`ve done four and a half million steps and burnt more calories than I`ll eat in a week."

"Yeah, me too," say I, with an understanding sigh of exhaustion.

And a suspicion that my ten-minute saunter from home used a sprout`s worth of calories in about 47 steps.

But how can I really know? If only I had one of those Personal Fitness Gadgets!

These seem hugely popular at the moment. Employers are even urging their staff to use Pedometers, Trackers and the like to monitor their fitness and Get Healthy - a healthy workforce is surely a more productive workforce. 

(I say that but speaking personally, I tend to think a happy chocolate-filled workforce is productive enough). 

It is of course sensible to be as fit as possible, and these new dazzling accoutrements are made to encourage us Excitingly - so many Styles and Colourways… so many things to count!

 

Who`d have imagined, for example, that the Fasterfitband attached to your wrist like a mere watch measures not only your steps but also heart rate, temperature and quality of sleep!  (Applied with comfy fit and superglue for round the clock efficiency).

 

Some devices connect to your PC or iphone, or  "can communicate your stats to the cloud". 
(I thought the cloud was where all your finished ebooks go – obviously there is so much more)... 

And if you haul your stats down from the cloud, they can be displayed on a screen of your choice – Bring out the pringles!

But `Wearable technology` doesn`t stop at wrists and ears – should you want your cadence measuring or your pelvic rotation, there are shorts packed with the Very
Sensors… sensors that can provide Realtime Feedback into headphones! 

(Your headphones unless otherwise indicated). 

There are also smart glasses, clever leggings, and shirts that fiendishly change colour at the surge of a hot muscle, pinpointing precisely which muscle! (That one may take some time with the less vigorous among us).

 

So you`re hurtling around, gadgets monitoring everything except whether you want to  Please STOP soon and you feel just like a Spook-spy – "this Sweatband contains a hidden transmitter; it also acts as a tracking device". 

How reassuring that HQ could transmit inspirational training songs, or instructions if you start to flag  - Lift those knees! and... Keep Lifting those knees!

 

And in case of trauma they will have the means to find you: "Come in Alpha 1!  Hang on we`ve lost him.  OK – triangulating now. There he is, in the isosceles quadrant!" 

 

(Don`t know what Triangulating is, but they did it a lot on Spooks for searching purposes). 

 

Anyway,  I got to Deep Thinking about all this thrilling stuff, and decided it would indeed be a good idea to revitalise.  And the doctor was in total agreement: