Monday, February 2, 2015

If Thine Eye Offend Thee...

 
Aaaaaaah – get it Off me!

But no-one can hear me scream… It will cling to my eyeball like Alien to a space helmet for Ever.

How fortunate are we who can correct our vision with glasses and other foreign bodies like Contact Lenses.

I wear both, trying my first contact lenses at sixteen (probably not long after they were invented). Although that can`t be right because my dad had a vintage pair the shape of flying saucers. 
 
 
Mine were great – tiny hard discs that used to drop out every time I said Hello and hourly thereafter. On a night out once, a kind police car helped in the search by shining its headlights on the pavement we scrabbled about on. 
Alarming to think that in spite of the surrounding sea of splintered glass and dog crotte, if we`d found it, I`d have given it a lick and put it back in my eye…

Having miraculously escaped foul ailments, I recently took up with Lenses of the Soft Kind. And I must say, they`re jolly comfy and I can see for miles and miles. And when the optician manoeuvred them in and out it was a very smooth operation…

On my go, however… they let me have half a dozen fruitless attempts and then sent me home with tender words of Nil Desperandum. I didn`t desperandum until I realised I would be glued to this pair for the rest of my life.

There are myriad youtube vids demonstrating exactly how to ping them off with astonishing ease. Often the demonstrators look about fourteen and are dashing off this video tutorial before whizzing out to razzle or run a country or something, sporting their strange fake-iris contacts as some sort of ornament.

All I want mine to do is help me see beyond the end of my nose.

As I watched these laid-back stars of the google screen, it dawned on me that my problem could be the Hyperventilating – why couldn`t I, too, just breeeeathe and flip them out with a merry tune and wink at the camera…

And it worked – Ping


Now, did you see where they went?


7 comments:

Araminta said...

Hello Dolores,

I wonder if I'm a robot? If so, you may never receive this message!

I used to wear these super hard and oft uncomfortable contact lenses. I seem to remember I had to boil them daily in some sort of electric device.

Hurray for daily disposables, which I sling into my bin and since I can't see a thing, most of them end up in my shoes or on the floor!

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hello Ara - what a delight to see you! (and Not a Robot! - try ignoring that unwanted box)

Blimey, boiling contacts to death sounds a hell of a faff. And no more than they deserved...

Hugely envious of your current Daily Disposables though - I`m only allowed fortnightly chuckaways with constant Deep Shotblasting.

I wonder if there`s something we can fabricate from all our discardeds in the spirit of Recycling - sew them on party dresses perhaps, cat bedding or packing fragile parcels...

JW10 said...

Hello Dolores,

My eyesight is still in good shape which is surprising considering the amount of reading I do: novels, newspapers, magazines, leaflets, takeaway menus and tractor catalogues. I have cut down on my online reading (you know full well my opinion on googling) which must help my goggle eyes in the long run.

So it's no glasses for me except sunglasses. Roll on the summer.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Oh JW, ye of tractor catalogues and perfect youth - were you truly wafted from that mountain where Ursula Andress lived - "She" of everlastingness?

On this exotic island we have Sun today, so boldly flaunt those shades with our cardies...


Dolores Doolittle said...

PS - Know you snort at googling, JW, but Bing today comes instantly up with beam-inducing "helmet-haired" Muskoxes(n?)

JW10 said...

Dolores, don't try to win favour with me by using cuddly, snorting muskoxes as search engine inducement. You, my dear, are a serial Binger.

I feel it my duty to report you to the anti-search police for...hold on a minute. Any coyotes ever on the Bing home page? That could possibly wile me over....

Dolores Doolittle said...

Look here, M`lud - I Bing purely for research purposes, recent startling results of which urge me to insist I have No Recollection of Binging from a Bong...
OK - Confess to the Serial Binger, on Twixes.

Am off to ferret for coyotes