TYCOON PROPOSES TO SEND
HAPPILY-MARRIED MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE
ON JOURNEY ROUND MARS IN 2018
Dear Mr Tito
I would like to apply for the position of Space Tourism Pioneer advertised this week in space journals (and other less worthy papers), and enclose my CV.
To begin with, I’d like to point out that I have kept a picture of you in my treasure box ever since you became the world’s first space tourist in 2001. Such is my passion...
When I saw that you now want to inspire a new generation of space investigators, I was so excited! I mean, the capsule’s really-really dinky for a start...
I’ve studied all the coverage in depth, and can only suggest I’d be perfect for the job: flexible, adaptable, able to fit in small spaces, can bring my own never-failing sea-sick pills...
A quick scan of my CV will show that I have much more to offer:
I am half a "happily married middle-aged couple" (will there be a test of any sort on that...?).
George is quite handy around the home when any temperamental bits of machinery pack up.
We quite like staying in watching dvds (films like Alien have not put us off, and Apollo 13 taught us exactly what to do in an emergency).
Somewhere we read with a teensy bit of concern that the trip would involve "minimal clothing, food and water" - what does that mean?
Will there be minimal tubes of stuff that expand when you swallow them into Bangers and Mash or Pork Curry or something, with water incorporated? - Let us know if you need a list of preferences...
And those minimal space suits look jolly comfy! - we could easily spray each other from time to time with Freshasabreeze. (I often use it on his socks anyway…)
In fact, I don't suppose it'll be much different to that week’s camping in the Yorkshire Dales we had at easter, and that was fabulous fun!
The only thing I didn’t like was the trek across the field to the loo-block at two in the morning, and Obviously I won’t have to go outside our capsule!! (actually I must ask about that procedure…). And can I just check - will there be anywhere to plug in my hairdrier?
So sixteen months of "no-escape togetherness" may seem scary to some people, but George and I are never at a loss when it comes to occupying ourselves – for those down in the dumps moments, a good old sing-song never fails to raise the spirits, does it. Would there be room for George's accordeon?
We can't wait to boldly go and experience the thrill of looking out of the window to "see the Earth getting smaller and smaller". And sixteen months without gas bills or hedge-pruning can't be bad, can it!
In conclusion, Mr Tito (Dennis!), I'd be available for interview any time except Thursday mornings. (Although I could miss my knitting-a-sock for pleasure and profit if necessary).
I - I mean, We, fearless, intrepid voyagers - look forward to hearing from you. (Have enclosed SAE for your convenience).
If we find a Martian, can we keep him?