Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Out Damned Spot!

Mummy, mummy - why are your teeth so white?

Why that’s easy darling! I simply smear them twice daily with Banana Peel - the first time to wake them up after breakfast, the second time to calm them down before bedtime.

Just two minutes of rubbing that delicious inner banana peel against my teeth forces those precious banana minerals - potassium, manganese and magnesium - into the enamel, and they’re gleamy clean and white!
 (I'm the one on the left).

Have you Noticed how teeth are getting Whiter these days? And if they aren’t, it seems they jolly should be.

Google will return multitudinous methods of achieving maximum lightness including… lemon juice, bicarb, various peroxides, even urine to whiten your teeth. (Well, ancient romans used it, and they were pretty successful in lots of other things).

Beware, though, for further googling leads to WARNINGS about many of these and the possible melting of your teeth, your gums, and a great big hole in the carpet.
So I've chosen the safe and tasty Banana Option.

Because although since my twenties I’ve scrubbed my teeth with the force of a sandblaster, they’re more lustrous beige than white. Or Pearly, I like to think…

Dentists are pleased about their spotlessness but suggest I go a bit easier now, in order to save any remaining enamel. Every so often a tooth will break on a delicate breadstick and have to be glued back. And one of the front teeth is false, owing to a death-defying high-speed tumble onto a concrete patio when I was nine. That’s beige as well, but not quite matching.

A sorry tale indeed. It cannot be my fault so I like to blame genetics - I am indeed the spitting image of my departed dad, particularly around the hair and teeth.

Yes, we laughed about it then…

But all is not lost. I’ve only been doing the banana thing for three days and already the difference is dazzling! I have great hopes for a perfect toothal transformation.

Talking of revamps, there is, of course, YAEBA!

Hordes of people in Japan are paying to have their dreary old straight fangs mangled in the image of a pop idol over there whose teeth are naturally yaeba’d, (where canines are pushed forward by molars). If you want to be trendy without the pain, you can have canines simply glued onto your existing ones.

Hopefully, (although you don’t know where they’ve been do you), these sticky-on teeth would be a similar hue to your others.

For something a little more In-Your-Face, how about Gold?

GORGEOUS!  Does it always come with Tattoo though...


Anyway, I think I’ll give my banana-peel a month or so...  If nothing’s happened by then, I’ll just sell the cats for riches and go for a Professional job…