“ ’allo? – Madame Doolittle?”
“…Ouiiii…” I confess cautiously.
There is a profound sigh on the end of the line, then someone pulls herself together and focusses on script:
“Allow me to introduce myself, Mme Doolittle,” she rattles off Frenchly, “I’m phoning on behalf of EDF GDF Solar Water or One of those Powers-that-Be Anyway to offer you a rare and unmissable opportunity -” Large intake of breath “- This week, our representative will be in Your Back Garden offering Free Quotes on revolutionising the way you use Your Power-that-Be so When will you be in, Mme D?”
Hah! “That does not interest me!” I say and put the phone down brusquely - Just as our wise neighbour Adrienne has taught me.
Or at least, that’s what I mean to say.
But I can't. Instead I picture her with all the other Call-Centrees who phone to catch you in just as you’re savouring your lunchtime sarny.
There they quiver - ranks of shabby, despairing souls frenziedly working their way down each column of the phone book, microphones glued to their heads and keyboards bleeping as they flinch from fiendish Boss-with-a-big-stick.
How do they stand the constant rebuffs, the insults and the Permanent Failure… I just can’t bear the thought of making it worse…
So I say, “That doesn’t interest me For The Moment, I’m afraid... Well, no, I certainly don’t rule out the idea completely... No, next week wouldn’t be quite enough Thinking Time for me… Thank you for calling though - do you all work such long hours or are you on detention (ha ha)?... Hello? Oh dear, are you alright?"
At this point George is losing patience and angrily waving a forkful of saucisson & potato at me. "Will you please just hang up!" he hisses. His own method of halting sales flow is to say in appalling French, "Sorry, I'm English and I didn't quite catch that...", and they've Gone! (One day, we'll miss out on something that really WAS unmissable).
"Pardon?", I resume to teleseller with glaring shrug to George, "Oh, yes we are so, I'll let you get on now… Have you got many more to call? Right, well have a good rest-of-the-evening then… Hello? Hel- You’re not crying are you? Oh lord... oh..."
"Oh - Just Bugger Off!" I yell when I've put the phone down.
So, IS there a good way of dealing with this constant irritation? (for constant, it is). Do you snarl; do you chat while chomping on with your meal; try to sell them something, perhaps; play your kazoo at them... What do You do?
Because of course, you can't be too nasty to them - you never know if you're gonna come back as one...
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18 comments:
Hello Dolores,
It is annoying all these "cold" calls. Usually my accent scares them off as I plainly say."Hello! Whit ye wantin'?". Next thing I hear a dead tone on the phone. I have always wanted the caller on phone for hours and then say I'm not interested but as a nice person I elect not to.
And as you say, they might not phone next time. They might chap the door.
Bloody Blimey, Dolores! I was going to write something similar, because we were being increasingly pestered in exactly the same way!
Our hugely successful "get 'em off the line" technique is to maintain our own conversation for as long as possible, whilst passing the telephone to and fro to each other. We even have some extra fun by talking to each other in different languages.
It convinces these telephone salespeople they've got a crossed line (or that we are completely mad)!
Of course, if you happen to be watching the TV at the time, you can just place the phone on top of the set (with the earpiece wedged firmly down...) :-)
Yes, JW - I'm all a-fear & tremble just from Reading Whitever it was you said!
(what does 'chap the door' mean)? Is it perhaps, Gaining Entry in the manner of the Glasgow Kiss you mentioned recently?
What terrifying specimens live in your vicinity!
CI - I love those ideas! (I suspect they'll have deduced the 'completely mad' thing very early on)...
When I was a programmer (computers, not thrilling tv shows) there was a guy who, whenever he was called in the middle of the night on an urgent problem, would just fall asleep. The receiver would be dangling with frenzied night-workers on the other end, answered only by his snores. The epitome of Calm
I hadn't thought of snoring. Must try that sometime. Then there's burping, hiccuping, coughing, snorting, gargling, gagging, chortling, guffawing, happy munching noises, smacking of lips, hissing, booing, etc etc.
Hmmm... I'm going to do some recording on my answerphone...
Yes, CI - any of those should do the trick in satisfyingly repellent fashion.
LOL, Dolores. You have been watching too much "Taggart". A chap in this context simply means a knock.
However, on opening the chapped door there might be one of those dangerous specimens you mentioned standing there.
Therefore don't answer the phone or the door. Let it ring and let it chap. :-)
We have a national "Do Not Call" registry. You sign up all your phone numbers and no more salespeople (they can be fined if they don't comply). But that doesn't apply to political calls or charities.
I usually immediately demand the person's name and home address. I tell them that my time is valuable and they are wasting it so I will be billing them by the minute. That usually does the trick.
Or you could pretend to be the answering machine...Please leave your message after the beep...and then hang up!
A huge relief, JW (sort of). Perhaps we'll get a peephole for the chappable door...
Or a Poodle - they're Really scarey!
Blimey Expat - how extremely useful that Registry is!
I love the idea of you Demanding their Details with a view to Billing. I shall try it! for my time is indeed very valuable too!
Or I could go for the Answering Machine thing...
Errr... I’ve been doing some serious thinking.
If you do come back as one, do you think we should be telling you all this now?
CI - Yes please - Life'll be Hard Enough without these helpful hints! (Perhaps you could even surrender to my Promos)...?
I'm with George - ask them if they speak English and usually you will get rid of them. It's those frozen foods people that bug me.
Hi farming-frenchstyle. 'Frozen foods people'? They obviously have no idea of the calibre of your freezer contents!
This made me wizz upstairs and do an inventory of my freezer, and the first thing I pulled out... - was a cold shoulder.
Is this significant? :-)
YES IT IS, CI! (you weird person)!
I'm sure you had no trouble warming its cockles, anyway...
Yes indeed, Dolores!
When I heard voices in the freezer I thought they were cold-calling. But it could have been the cold shoulder, which was on cold turkey.
So it all makes sense now, I think.
:-)
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