Failing to Figure Skate

`Well, have you thought of renting a penguin for half an hour, madam?`

I must confess I never had before, but if you think…

The beaming (surely not smirking) bloke behind the counter gestured to a clutch of bright penguins in the corner – high-viz, perfectly stable and sturdy handgrip at the back. Anyone could maintain their equilibrium leaning on the like (couldn`t I?).

George and Brian enthusiastically refused to try one but seemed very keen for me to and I don`t know what they meant about less danger to everyone else.

`Do many beginners use these?` I asked the man hopefully. `Mmm, quite a lot,` was the unconvincing reply.

I decided to launch back onto the ice without one. And with a change of skates – it could well have been their fault.

I blame certain winter TV programmes for the fact that we were here at all – the thrill of the speed-skating, the utterly beauteous figure-skating, the soft crunch of ice beneath swerving skate… so tantalising.

And Caroline had received a discount voucher in the post.

So four of us gathered at SpeedySkate for our first venture, clad in layers of Vest and Woolly (tights and tutus having but briefly been considered) and grinning rictusly.

We stood trembling while our enthusiastic trainer Steve bombarded us with vital tips to get us started and keep us upright. His finest achievement was of course making us let go - of him as well as of the side.

For the blades don`t carve a gentle furrow – they skid uncontrollably about on top, because only diamond could penetrate that cold, evil surface.

`Don`t worry,` smiled Steve as we skittered about, `Everyone falls over sometime – you just get back up!` Obviously, he`s never seen Bambi. And his youthful bones wouldn`t be left on the ice in a trillion agonised shatterings.

As the tutoring session wore on, we did manage to inch forward by means of the lemon maneouvre - Bend knees-Toes out-Glide-Toes in-Knees straight.

(knees-toes what?)

In the nick of time we also learned to STOP!, to look where we were going (always prudent), and to attract the attention of a merry gang of under-tens as we attempted for some reason to navigate car tyres.

"Please can we watch?" they giggled. "Sod off" I snarled. To myself.

Soon we`d collected quite a crowd of schoolchildren, which I`m sure helped us relax into the terrifying uncontrolledness of it all. Specially when they started explaining to us where we were going wrong and that awful accident their brother had had when he kept doing exactly that.

Annoyingly though, a lot of their advice began to make sense, particularly after Our Trainer had departed. We found ourselves following their lead, imitating their bendy limbs and... having fun! – we could do Anything! 

In retrospect we may have got over-ambitious but no-one was really hurt and they`ve kindly reserved me a penguin for next time.

Look out for us on certain winter TV programmes next year.

Reasons to be CHEERFUL

Today a chunky little spider niagara’d splutteringly out of the cats’ bowl and into the sink as I changed their water. He stayed motionless for a second then realised he was still breathing, and that some Evil Being was poking him with a kitchen towel. Brave spider, he never stopped battling; after a bit of frenetic ping-ponging I got him to STAY ON THE TOWEL! long enough to deposit him behind the fridge, there to dry out calmly and rebuild his life.

Oh Joy and great Cheer!

Just one of countless Reasons to be Cheerful, as we are reminded by the late and wonderful Ian Drury and his merry Blockheads:

Exactly!  And are not we all left grinning? 

What else?

Well, how about a jaunt in a Barefoot Park? Such was the subject of the ‘article of the day’ 19.11.12 in TheFreeDictionary http://www.thefreedictionary.com/   (itself a cheer-bringer).
Here’s an enticing excerpt:

"Popular in Europe, barefoot parks are places where visitors can dispense with shoes and safely experience various landscape textures underfoot. Their well-maintained terrain affords visitors the opportunity to walk across different types of soil, wade through streams, and even practise climbing—all while barefoot. Some parks offer activities such as foot gymnastics, in which people can practise picking up objects with their feet."

Haven't we all ached to set our feet free?   Particularly those of us with but a strip of gravel for a garden, that the cats think is their outside litter tray.  

Dancing, of course, unlike sporty activities, is a fabulous reason to be cheerful, particularly when wobbling to Brown Sugar, or to La Bamba

Other beam-inducers:

The perfectly-timed arrival of a huge and mysterious parcel full of something extravagant for Christmas  (surely?) just before we went out;


Cat wrapped round the settee, responding to my enthusiastic 'Who's-a-good-boy-'den?' with that sullen indifferent stare honed by cats everywhere;



Being whisked through glorious hill and dale in clattery old  London underground carriage, now reborn as exotic-island train;

Lidl and Poundland - packed with bargains and ever-smiley staff;

Radio 4, specially Ed Reardon's Week and in spite of unbearable bouts of cricket (avoidable on FM);

And can we forget the delights of an impulsive weekend away//a new job//new hair//new snakeskin shoes (just PRETENDING to be snakes), or communing with old friends not seen for aeons (they can run - but they can't...).  Oh Deep and Joyful Cheer!


Well, it's Tomorrow now.  The postman brought another Reject for one of my practically-famous magazine stories, the cat's pooped overnight behind the setee, and the microwave exploded my porridge when I wasn't looking.  Aaaarrrggghhh - I can't go ON with this cheerful stuff!

Well maybe just once more...  But I shan't be Exuberated.

Here is a gladsome glimpse of Penguins at Waddle.  Don't miss the brilliant demonstration of baby transporting about two minutes in! (though baby doesn't look entirely sure).