"I saw that!" said George.
"It was a skim," I snarled, "A Very Delicate skim!"
We did some glaring. This New Bed doesn`t seem to be having quite the promised effect on our well-being.
Of course it`s a huge adjustment... our other had been with us for many-many decades and it really was time to phone the WeTakeAnyCrott man and wave goodbye. (Fond memories…)
Choosing the replacement was hard - so many to bounce upon and so much these days for the kind and Determined salesman to explain: fillings and toppings and memory, tension and support…
But as soon as we spotted the Mesmeros Siren double bed with Balthasar headboard and two-drawer divan set in chocolate weave we Just Knew. (And I`m so glad we plumped for the optional Fish Tank).
It was delivered with a surprising bundle of leaflets. Modern beds, You Know, come with instructions. (or were they just for us…).
For instance, how often do You turn your mattress? I don`t think I wish to say… having read the Instructions. From now on though, we must rotate and turn the mattress Constantly to encourage upholstery fillings to settle more evenly. Sounds vaguely reasonable…
Except that they mean Every Week for the first three months, and thereafter with the change of season. The procedure (with diagrams) involves a 90 degree Turn and Flip and Repeat Turn (to other corner) and Flip-again and Breathe and Sit Down and have a nice cup of tea.
We can cope with that (in fact George finds my help superfluous). It`s with the Leaflet of Many Rules that we struggle, particularly the Do NOT Sit on the edge of the bed. Rule.
I mean, the salesman had indeed stressed the very wonder of Reinforced Edging in a mattress. It holds its shape against all mishap - never again would we find ourselves sliding unstoppably to the carpet down a slope of Weedy-edged mattress.
But it`s remarkable how hard it is not to sit on the edge of your bed. You`re wandering round the bedroom taking your shoes off… maybe changing your vest or pondering things… you naturally sit on the edge of the bed.
And how on Earth is one supposed to get in or out of bed if not with a mid-way sit?
Well, when I remember I try the old Back Flip manoeuvre but frankly, it had been a while…
But it turns out I can fling some fish-food in the tank at the same time – so they had thought of everything.
Now, which page was that Stop-a-Snore button on…
8 comments:
A laugh out loud blog, Dolores. Thanks.
The optional fish tank version got me to thinking that I'd like one with an African savannah at the head of the bed: giraffes, lions, wildebeests...
P.S I'm not allowed to sit on the edge of the bed.
Kind JW! Thank you, and what a Splendiferous idea the Wildebeest-and-Friends vista. (would they all get on, in fact...?) (or There will be Blood).
If you have any handy hints on Where to sit in place of bed-edge, please divulge. I`d go for a chaise longue, were there more than a gnat`s whisker of gap around our magnificent bed. Or scaffolding might work...
The edge of the wardrobe is an ideal place to see the room with a good view. Alas, I don't have a head for heights.
The best thing to do, Dolores, is imagine you're sitting on a chair. Knees bent, back straight, you feel as if you're levitating in thin air. And it is sooo comfortable. Until you decide to take your shoes off. YEEAARRGGHHHH1
The top of the wardrobe - of course! One could sit up there among the teddies, shoes and blanket-box we couldn`t fit anywhere else, and gaze levitatingly upon one`s new bed. In fact, who Needs a bed.
(What Does happen when you take your shoes off...?)
Falling backwards onto the carpet, Dolores. Remember it's an imaginary chair. I am "sitting" in the chair position without a chair. I raise one foot to take the shoe off and...boof...I'm on me back.
One more thing, DD, is your bed infested with cushions? MrsW has hundreds on ours and, of course, I'm not allowed to lie on them.
Imaginary - Of course! - What a Silly I am. (bet you hadn`t noticed before). Have just experimented on kitchen floor - it Works. Even sitting on my Real chair.
Multiple Cushions - no. When we moved here we stayed a few weeks in a b&b, where the bed was festooned with zillion merry cushions. They looked splendidly colourful, but the room was pretty small and there was Nowhere else to put them except floor. Getting out of bed involved a very rocky trek anywhere else.
If our bed has rules, I don't know what they are. Except for the 'no toast crumbs' one, but we made that one up for ourselves.
Hi Patsy - Why didn`t I think of that - could have saved us much suffering! Shall stick it on wall, along with `no endless Heavy Sighing just cos You can`t sleep`.
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