TYCOON PROPOSES TO SEND
HAPPILY-MARRIED MIDDLE-AGED COUPLE
ON JOURNEY ROUND MARS IN 2018
Dear Mr Tito
I would like to apply for the position of Space Tourism Pioneer advertised this week in space journals (and other less worthy papers), and enclose my CV.
To begin with, I’d like to point out that I have kept a picture of you in my treasure box ever since you became the world’s first space tourist in 2001. Such is my passion...
When I saw that you now want to inspire a new generation of space investigators, I was so excited! I mean, the capsule’s really-really dinky for a start...
I’ve studied all the coverage in depth, and can only suggest I’d be perfect for the job: flexible, adaptable, able to fit in small spaces, can bring my own never-failing sea-sick pills...
A quick scan of my CV will show that I have much more to offer:
I am half a "happily married middle-aged couple" (will there be a test of any sort on that...?).
George is quite handy around the home when any temperamental bits of machinery pack up.
We quite like staying in watching dvds (films like Alien have not put us off, and Apollo 13 taught us exactly what to do in an emergency).
Somewhere we read with a teensy bit of concern that the trip would involve "minimal clothing, food and water" - what does that mean?
Will there be minimal tubes of stuff that expand when you swallow them into Bangers and Mash or Pork Curry or something, with water incorporated? - Let us know if you need a list of preferences...
And those minimal space suits look jolly comfy! - we could easily spray each other from time to time with Freshasabreeze. (I often use it on his socks anyway…)
In fact, I don't suppose it'll be much different to that week’s camping in the Yorkshire Dales we had at easter, and that was fabulous fun!
The only thing I didn’t like was the trek across the field to the loo-block at two in the morning, and Obviously I won’t have to go outside our capsule!! (actually I must ask about that procedure…). And can I just check - will there be anywhere to plug in my hairdrier?
So sixteen months of "no-escape togetherness" may seem scary to some people, but George and I are never at a loss when it comes to occupying ourselves – for those down in the dumps moments, a good old sing-song never fails to raise the spirits, does it. Would there be room for George's accordeon?
We can't wait to boldly go and experience the thrill of looking out of the window to "see the Earth getting smaller and smaller". And sixteen months without gas bills or hedge-pruning can't be bad, can it!
In conclusion, Mr Tito (Dennis!), I'd be available for interview any time except Thursday mornings. (Although I could miss my knitting-a-sock for pleasure and profit if necessary).
I - I mean, We, fearless, intrepid voyagers - look forward to hearing from you. (Have enclosed SAE for your convenience).
If we find a Martian, can we keep him?
22 comments:
Dolores!
Why wait until 2018 for a 16-month trip around Mars?
I can offer you an immediate start on a free trip around the Sun that only takes 12 months!
:-)
Dolores, you and George are the perfect space spouses! You already live in a little house, so you tell us, so you'll only be downsizing a bit. You could acclimatize yourselves by moving into the loo for a few weeks. You must insist on nifty little cameras in your space helmets so that you can send back singalong video for you space blogs (slogs?). You'll need a play list, of course, like Desert Island Discs. I'm thinking "When you wish upon a star" and "Over the Rainbow" are must-haves.
Just imagine...no cooking, cleaning or trekking to the Co-op, just lovely rest and room service. Sheer heaven.
Do you think the menu includes stargazey pie (for which I actually have a recipe)?
Splendid idea, CI - I've packed my jymjams already! And crash helmet.
George and I have just been travelling round the kitchen in 3D-Whatsit-that-shows-positions-of-planets (rather like in ET with contents of fruit bowl & fridge - what the hell are they called?).
Do you think the Sunbeings will spot us? Will they communicate, other than with their secret symbols in pink-burn? (OK - some people Tan)
Yes, Expat - we Are perfect tiny-adapted space-spouses! (Altho we might wait till our bloody loo goes above freezing before we practise for longer than 30 seconds).
You make it sound blissful (PLEASE send stargazey pie recipe!), though there might be squabbles on the room service front.
And on those desert island discs... don't think George will like Perry Como.
But we have space-helmet cameras - all that time to catch up on Skyping,and Who knows what may beam in? (I may watch Dr Who-like From Behind the Setee). or behind George...
Dolores, you appear to have been attacked by trolls. As if that is not bad enough, you've been attacked by self-promoting idiot trolls with appalling grammar who all seem to share the same name. They must come from West Virginia.
Once you press the "Out,damned spot" button, perhaps we can get back to having a nice chat.
Heavens, Expat - are we not free even in the Wide Black Yonder?
Thank you hugely for pointing that out - I hadn't noticed they'd slithered out of the spam-trap. Shall take steps.
At the other end Completely of the ethereal scale... yesterday we planted a Japanese Weeping Flowering Cherry - Your wonderful idea, Expat!
In Japan (I google), these symbolise life on earth - the joy and beauty of its occurrence, the sadness of its transience.
Isn't that perfect? Any minute its abundant buds will Burst jubilantly Forth outside our window - can't think of a better memorial. Thank you zillions, Expat!
Oh, Dolores,that brought tears to my eyes. I am so delighted that my suggestion will bring you such joy. And when your nephew comes with some of your brother's ashes, you can have a private little celebration of his life.
I've been busy unforgetting my username and password. And now, having remembered, I've forgotten what I wanted to say ...
:-)
Crikey - are you still here Expat?
:-)))))
Still here? What do you mean?
Yes, Expat - can't wait to see how the cherry reacts to a tin of Mark's ashes - sure it'll be laughing in a merry tree manner.
Have you read Daphne du Maurier's 'The Apple Tree'? A widower is convinced his wife's spirit is in the tree - the hair-like cottony blossom, the stance and general presence... Mark's tree will be a Much Happier one, but it's a fascinating image!
Beloved unforgettable loony, CI!
'Orrery' is the word I've unforgotten (with George's help). Shall set about planning trip now we have spacey GPS
And beloved JW too - you probably won't read this, but hope you're getting all the vibes we're sending... Take great care xx
We've had a few moments when one us have made a comment - and then looked back, a moment later - and seen a newer comment back?
Gosh - it is a moment of magic between friends.
:-)
A profoundly joyous (if a bit confusing) thought, CI...
Are we then gliding along the same metaphysical plane, bouncing gently together as our auras synchronise?
Hope so!
JW - a message from Bilby for you.
For some evil techno reason she can't post here at the moment or on Your blog, but she desperately wanted to send her best wishes and hopes for your dad's speedy recovery.
Take great care, JW xx
Hello all.
Cracking epistolary (you clever clogs blogger, you) tale, Dolores. I knew you were out of this world.
I’d like to thank yourself, Expat, CI and Bilby for your kind thoughts. Sadly, my dad passed away early on Saturday 9th March. As you can imagine we’re all hurting, especially my mum and sons. I’ll not be blogging for awhile but I will be back. Writing little escapist stories is something I do enjoy very much.
Please continue to blog and interact as you all are lovely people. Once again thank you all for your warm wishes.
Sad news, JW. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family.
...
Oh hell, JW - so hugely sorry to hear that. You evidently have a wonderfully close family, and that must have given your dad much joy in his last days.
Thank you greatly for finding the time to pop in (& to comment!) here - even in a grotty old time for you, you bring merriment for the rest of us!
Warmest wishes to you and your family xx
Dear Dolores.
Bilby and I would like to express our sincere condolences to our friend JW and his family on their recent bereavement.
We are thinking of him.
Regards to you and George, Dolores.
How lovely to see you Ara (though sad).
As you can see, JW popped in earlier and, engrossed in stuff as he must be, I hope he hovers near from time to time to catch such messages.
love & kisses to you & Bilby, Ara, from George & I(/me).
Deepest condolences, JW. You and your family are in my thoughts at this difficult time.
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