Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Out Damned Spot!

Mummy, mummy - why are your teeth so white?

Why that’s easy darling! I simply smear them twice daily with Banana Peel - the first time to wake them up after breakfast, the second time to calm them down before bedtime.

Just two minutes of rubbing that delicious inner banana peel against my teeth forces those precious banana minerals - potassium, manganese and magnesium - into the enamel, and they’re gleamy clean and white!
 (I'm the one on the left).

Have you Noticed how teeth are getting Whiter these days? And if they aren’t, it seems they jolly should be.

Google will return multitudinous methods of achieving maximum lightness including… lemon juice, bicarb, various peroxides, even urine to whiten your teeth. (Well, ancient romans used it, and they were pretty successful in lots of other things).

Beware, though, for further googling leads to WARNINGS about many of these and the possible melting of your teeth, your gums, and a great big hole in the carpet.
So I've chosen the safe and tasty Banana Option.

Because although since my twenties I’ve scrubbed my teeth with the force of a sandblaster, they’re more lustrous beige than white. Or Pearly, I like to think…

Dentists are pleased about their spotlessness but suggest I go a bit easier now, in order to save any remaining enamel. Every so often a tooth will break on a delicate breadstick and have to be glued back. And one of the front teeth is false, owing to a death-defying high-speed tumble onto a concrete patio when I was nine. That’s beige as well, but not quite matching.

A sorry tale indeed. It cannot be my fault so I like to blame genetics - I am indeed the spitting image of my departed dad, particularly around the hair and teeth.

Yes, we laughed about it then…

But all is not lost. I’ve only been doing the banana thing for three days and already the difference is dazzling! I have great hopes for a perfect toothal transformation.

Talking of revamps, there is, of course, YAEBA!

Hordes of people in Japan are paying to have their dreary old straight fangs mangled in the image of a pop idol over there whose teeth are naturally yaeba’d, (where canines are pushed forward by molars). If you want to be trendy without the pain, you can have canines simply glued onto your existing ones.

Hopefully, (although you don’t know where they’ve been do you), these sticky-on teeth would be a similar hue to your others.

For something a little more In-Your-Face, how about Gold?

GORGEOUS!  Does it always come with Tattoo though...


Anyway, I think I’ll give my banana-peel a month or so...  If nothing’s happened by then, I’ll just sell the cats for riches and go for a Professional job…


Dolores Doolittle said...

And just a moment's thought for my wonderful and much-loved brother Mark, who died ssuddenly some weeks ago, and whose laugh we'll never stop hearing. xx

Canary Islander said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
I was an only child and can only imagine the pain of losing a sibling.

But it's good to see you getting your teeth into a blog again!

Dolores Doolittle said...

Brilliant, CI - you do make me chuckle!

And thank you for your kind words. It's funny - Mark emailed 'Ouch' recently when his cat died - you must have a spooky connection!

JW10 said...

Your teeth blog made me smile, Dolores. Loved the tidbit about holy Roman urine empire and the funny snap of the camels.

Then I read your comment. Sincere condolences on your loss. I really am stuck for words to say. From one cyber friend to another deepest best wishes to you and your family.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Thank you grinningly, JW, I feel virtually hugged!

Mark lived in Japan so our relationship was fairly virtual too. It's been fabulous over recent weeks talking to great friends of his over there - they've drawn a wonderful picture...

Expat said...

Dolores, my deepest condolences, and a very big hug. I know all too well what it's like to be thousands of miles away when death takes a loved one. I am so glad you were able to talk to his friends and build some more memories. Plant a beautiful Japanese flowering cherry tree in his memory. XXXX

Dolores Doolittle said...

Oh Thank you Expat for your warm words. And what a Fantastic idea is the Cherry Tree! One day his son will bring over a quantity of his ashes - we can fertilise the tree therewith! It'll be like Jack & The Beanstalk

JW10 said...

Good morning Dolores,

On the teeth front somehow after drinking oceans of cola and mountains of chocolate I have retained the majority of my gnashers. There are a few of the backy ones gone. Don’t now what they’re called -anatomy is not my strong point- Lomars or something.
What puts me off going to the dentist is not the fear of the buzz saw it’s the receptionists. My practise has the sourest women manning the front desk. They never smile at all.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Good morning lomar-lacking yet sparkly JW!

I recognise those grumpy specimens on dentists' front desks (mercifully intermingled with merry ones).

In my teens I lived on many Polos... what I hated about resulting repairs was when they arrange implements on your supine chest and keep instructing their assistant, "Pass me a Number Two, will you. NO - we'll need a Three...". Changed my habits.

Anyone see the Meteor landing last night? Such is the dazzle of my banana'd teeth!

Bilby said...

Sparkliness and humour must run in your family, Dolores. I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, Mark. I hope you have much comfort from happy memories. Hugs. xxx

I'll tackle the teeth later.

expat said...

What I hate about dentists...apart from being there in the first that they have your mouth wide open and full of probing things, and then they ask you questions!

"When did this problem first start?"

" Abfrit ah whfn thr gmm bcohte stry. OW!!!"

They have a very nasty sense of humour.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Oh Thank you Bilby, you Joy-Bringer, You! Yes, our family was/were particularly renowned for our staggering tallness and beauty.

And I do feel Mark is floating much closer than when he was yonder in Japan. At this very moment he's guffawing in my ear, "You daft bat!"

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hee Ho, Expat - yes Evil exudes from their very pliers! I hate that full-glare interrogatory spotlight two inches from one's nose (Oh god - have I got a carbuncle, have I grown nasal tufts...?"

I did once briefly dally with a dentist, but would he be able to forget the image of my dribbly snarl? I certainly couldn't...

Canary Islander said...

I've just now emerged after having spent some valuable "me and myself" time gazing open-jawed in front of the shower-room mirror, after which I rushed into the bathroom, where there is another mirror.

And Yippee!(I've just confirmed)!

Both counts are identical...!

doloresdoolittle said...

A Stunning image, CI! (If slightly alarming).

Just tried an Open-jawed gaze on the cats - there's only one of them now

dolores doolittle said...

Where's my glamour-pic gone?

JW10 said...


Just a short note to let you know my father is seriously ill in hospital. All the family are concerned and now is not the time for me to be blogging. I hope to speak to you all soon in the near future.


Dolores Doolittle said...

Oh JW, that's agonising for you. I'm so sorry, and sincerely hope your father gets a sudden surge to better health (George has just reminded me of when his dad amazed us all by doing that).

Warmest warmest wishes to you and your family. Take great care xxx

Expat said...

Thoughts are with you here, JW. Stay strong.

Canary Islander said...

I'm sorry to hear this, JW.
I'll be thinking of you.